Relationship breakdowns

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Relationship breakdowns


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Old 06-03-2013, 02:19 PM
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Relationship breakdowns

Hello,

My partner and I submitted our 820 partner application some months ago and are now playing the waiting game.

In my spare time I have been trawling immigration forums similar to this one and I have been surprised to see a large number of posts regarding relationship breakdown after partner visa grants.

I understand that moving to a different country must be stressful and certainly cost of living in Australia and pressures of looking for employment would take a toll on any relationship. But it is a costly and time consuming process applying for a PMV or partner visa... I guess it just doesn't make sense that after going through the stress of applying... then the stress of waiting for the visa to be granted... To end it after going through all that together just doesn't make sense to me.

We will be so stoked when our visa is approved and the waiting game is over, and I'd like to imagine that other couples are as happy as us when they receive their permanent visas... not suffering from a relationship breakdown.

Any opinions on this kind of thing?

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Old 06-03-2013, 03:03 PM
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It seems to me that some people are using the partner visas to "give love a chance to blossom."

There are lots of people who have known each other in a minimal capacity for less than (and sometimes MUCH less than) a year -- they are caught up in the wonderful newness of the relationship and take a big plunge to save a potential life-long relationship.

The reality is, that sometimes after spending some time living together -- they realize that they jumped the gun a bit and things break down.

Other cases occur because the pressure and heartache of being separated is too much to handle -- or the absence dulls the relationship.

It's certainly better to toss out the 4K you spent on the application process than stick in a relationship that's not right...

Of course, the SMARTEST course might be to make certain before you apply... but then, that's just not something people do much anymore. Look at divorce rates.

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Old 06-04-2013, 04:25 AM
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I am not really sure if it is appropriate for us to be giving generalized opinions about couples who break up after the visa is granted. Every situation is unique and though in some cases we may have doubts about whether the decisions were well thought through, it seems a bit harsh to question people who break up after going through the application and waiting process.

My parents were together for 33 years and still managed to end their marriage - even though they had 33 years to think about it, it took them those 33 years to realize they weren't right for each other. Especially in the case of toxic relationships, like theirs was, I say good on you if you need to move on.

I just find it a bit harsh to open a thread just to say you don't understand why people would break up after going through the visa application process. We don't know each individual situation, and sometimes even people who were already together for years still decide they better call it quits.

It's not what any of us aim for, but that doesn't automatically mean the people who do end up like that didn't aim as high as the rest of us. Can't we just count our blessings for having a loving, continuing relationship and call out half-hearted applicants when they actually show themselves on here? I don't see the point in generalizing.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I clicked this topic, expecting to see another story from someone on a temporary visa whose relationship has ended with a visa question... only to find a statement saying they wouldn't understand it if that happened. It seems a bit silly to me. I can be harsh in my words but I'm only trying to speak my mind.

__________________
From: The Netherlands
Visa Sub: 820 Partner Temp Onshore (De Facto)
Applied: 23 January 2013 (front loaded)
Application: Paper
Agent: No

Case Officer Assigned: 23 December 2013
Request for More Information: 19 May 2014
Requested Information: Australian Federal Police Check
Supplied on: 26 May 2014
Visa Granted: 4 June 2014


Permanent Stage Application: 22 January 2015
PERMANENT PARTNER (801) GRANTED ON 18 MAY 2015 - WE DID IT!

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Old 06-13-2013, 12:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jmcd16 View Post
It seems to me that some people are using the partner visas to "give love a chance to blossom."

There are lots of people who have known each other in a minimal capacity for less than (and sometimes MUCH less than) a year -- they are caught up in the wonderful newness of the relationship and take a big plunge to save a potential life-long relationship.

The reality is, that sometimes after spending some time living together -- they realize that they jumped the gun a bit and things break down.

Other cases occur because the pressure and heartache of being separated is too much to handle -- or the absence dulls the relationship.

It's certainly better to toss out the 4K you spent on the application process than stick in a relationship that's not right...

Of course, the SMARTEST course might be to make certain before you apply... but then, that's just not something people do much anymore. Look at divorce rates.
Great answer! Not sure i can add much more but i do belive some dont handle the stress too well, after all it IS really trying and the waiting & everything is horrendous. Being apart is harder for some more than others. I have often wondered myself how things will be to having an online partner to full time partner. I dont expect things to be easy, because it never is.

No doubt like you, we will be so excited to be together as a family, but still has all the stress of a normal relationship plus the added one of another culture added to the mix. A different culture can be hard to blend sometimes into ours. When you think about it, if you havnt first lived together , or spent substancial time together, living together may can come as a shock. I wonder if some break up simply because things wernt as expected upon living together?

Whatever the reasons , i am not expecting an easy ride. Mt partner and i have differences and i dont have rose coloured glasses on any more. Keeping open communication and discussing issues before they become huge will be one way we will manage. But all that said, its more work I belive partnering with another from another culture than your own. Just my two cents worth!


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Old 06-13-2013, 03:44 AM
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Relationships sometimes are really sometimes just choices. If your partner don't get a visa, are you willing to move to your partner's country instead of Australia? If the relationship really takes priority over everything else, you'd do that. But I think only a few will.


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Old 06-13-2013, 06:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nelly87 View Post
I am not really sure if it is appropriate for us to be giving generalized opinions about couples who break up after the visa is granted. Every situation is unique and though in some cases we may have doubts about whether the decisions were well thought through, it seems a bit harsh to question people who break up after going through the application and waiting process.
I do agree that OP didn't bring up the topic in the best way, but when controversial subjects like these arise, I think it's appropriate for us to try to help each other understand so long as we are not berating others.

There are many, many reasons that relationships might breakdown after a partner visa has been approved, and each situation is obviously different from the next. I think that even those of us in incredibly loving, supportive, and committed relationships will admit that our relationships aren't *always* easy, especially when the relationship involves leaving other opportunities behind. I could list and list and list hundreds of situations that could cause relationships to breakdown, but that is just depressing.

Suffice it to say that even relationships that have faced many obstacles to survive, such as applying and waiting for a visa, can fail if they continue to face obstacles or are not nurtured properly from both ends. And I agree with nelly that if anyone finds himself (or herself) in a situation where he is unhappy on his relationship and both members have tried to make things work without success (or one or both members are unwilling to try), then it is much better to end the relationship and move on than to go on pretending - simply because you spent money and waited months to be together.

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Old 06-21-2013, 11:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by queliwantstogo View Post
I do agree that OP didn't bring up the topic in the best way, but when controversial subjects like these arise, I think it's appropriate for us to try to help each other understand so long as we are not berating others.

There are many, many reasons that relationships might breakdown after a partner visa has been approved, and each situation is obviously different from the next. I think that even those of us in incredibly loving, supportive, and committed relationships will admit that our relationships aren't *always* easy, especially when the relationship involves leaving other opportunities behind. I could list and list and list hundreds of situations that could cause relationships to breakdown, but that is just depressing.

Suffice it to say that even relationships that have faced many obstacles to survive, such as applying and waiting for a visa, can fail if they continue to face obstacles or are not nurtured properly from both ends. And I agree with nelly that if anyone finds himself (or herself) in a situation where he is unhappy on his relationship and both members have tried to make things work without success (or one or both members are unwilling to try), then it is much better to end the relationship and move on than to go on pretending - simply because you spent money and waited months to be together.
Oh yes, it is definitely necessary to discuss the most controversial sides of what we all have in common - this visa. And the controversial side definitely includes people who (1) did not think it through and end up realizing they probably should have given themselves time to breathe, or (2) who abuse the visa and simply break up after the grant because of this.

Although I honestly believe that in both cases there are arguments that can be made and that should be understood (even if not validated) people like that seem unstoppable. That's how they live their lives and this time the obstacle just happens to be DIAC. I don't understand it but again I always remind myself I'm not in a place to decide what's right.

It's hard not to become a little bitter when you're in the waiting game - at least for myself it's hard! I've seen couples who've been together shorter than us get granted their visa on this forum at the same office we applied at... while we're still waiting. Does it make me nervous and a bit upset if I think for too long? Sure. I try not to give into it, though. Because I don't know them and I have to remind myself we are as unique as every other case.

This is why I do think it's smart to stay away from the "they" discussion unless one of "them" shows up - because it's easy to get frustrated with what we feel are less valid cases than ours, when we've been waiting in the wings for so long. And it creates a culture of fingerpointing rather than learning from each other, educating each other and sticking together. The bad apples are always the minority of the population.

__________________
From: The Netherlands
Visa Sub: 820 Partner Temp Onshore (De Facto)
Applied: 23 January 2013 (front loaded)
Application: Paper
Agent: No

Case Officer Assigned: 23 December 2013
Request for More Information: 19 May 2014
Requested Information: Australian Federal Police Check
Supplied on: 26 May 2014
Visa Granted: 4 June 2014


Permanent Stage Application: 22 January 2015
PERMANENT PARTNER (801) GRANTED ON 18 MAY 2015 - WE DID IT!

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Old 06-22-2013, 01:33 AM
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Its hard for me to pass judgment on those whose relationships breakdown after this difficult process. It does seem like a waste of time and energy, but having only been apart from my partner for 2 months after being together since the day we met in 2009 - the process is causing such a strain on our relationship and throws all our dreams and plans into the air.

The ultimate goal is to just be together as a family in the end, but being supportive for each other and maintaining a postive flow in your relationship with visa crap looming and time differences is extremely hard even for the most stable couple. Only the other day I threw a pregnancy hormonal mental fit and told my husband if he wasn't available to skype me when I woke up in the morning that I would never talk to him again (of course we both knew this was not true and just out of frustration) but boy did I feel like I meant it at the time. If we can get through this as a couple, we can get through anything the future has waiting for us!

I don't know how people would do this without the internet. We're in touch on whatsapp, viber, skype, facebook and email and I still fee our contact is not enough (mainly due to the 9hr time difference)

Best of luck to everybody facing this long difficult process. This forum reminds me that I am not alone and this isn't only happening to me. It literally keeps me going.

jmcd16 and CollegeGirl like this.
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Old 06-22-2013, 07:30 AM
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Everything changes.....especially when you move countries.

My wife and I were lucky enough to work together in Africa for a year before we applied for Australia and knew that the change of countries would have both good and bad effects.

Even little things like food can become a point of disagreement.....

Then there is language, culture, customs, employment, accommodation, transport and social interaction to figure out.

It is not easy and can be very stressful.......hence the relationship breakdown rate.

But once the rate of change is slowed down then things become much more manageable and pleasant....a little planning and lower expectations is an easy way to cope.

Sad for the couples who break up....but good memories for the couples who stay together....:-))

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